As I sit here tonight, I am thinking back over my Bible study tonight at church. I am going through Beth Moore's Breaking Free study. Wow, is it tough! I've thought for awhile that I needed to do the study, but kept avoiding it because I knew it was gonna be tough. Little did I know how much so.....
I knew that I had some strongholds that I needed to break-I didn't realized how many I had in my life. It's quite intimidating to go through and realize what a defeated life I have been living. Now, I've had some great moments of growth in the last few years, and I am so grateful that the Lord has given those to me, but man oh man do I have a lot of work left to do.
As I start to realize all of these strongholds & take a painful hard look at them, I wonder how did I get to this place? I wish that I could just give them all up at one time to God and be done with them. Is that how it works? I don't know. I look back through my life at moments when God has really revealed Himself to me & really helped me over a big hurdle, and it seems like it's usually only one thing at a time that He strips away. Maybe He knows I can't handle more than that. Maybe I have a lot more layers than I realized of "stuff" and strongholds that need to be removed, and it's gonna take awhile for them all to go.
I'm finding myself crawling up in fear, as I usually tend to do when hard things come or when I know I need to change something in my life. Oh wait, that's a stronghold, isn't it.... I'm trying so hard to believe that God is gonna help me get through this study & not quit. But not only that, but to truly be a conqueror when I finish. I've done studies, read books, nodded my head & said what good stuff that is-I should work on that, or that's what I need to do. Then I stay in the same place, and I don't actually make the change. Change is scary!!! Even though I live in bondage & I'm miserable, it's what I know. I hear Beth Moore say it's so much better on the other side where there is true freedom, and I have to believe that's true, because it's not exactly peachy over on this side, but it's familiar.
This study is so good, & I know that I need to break free. I believe in God. But do I believe God? Do I believe that He can change me & His intention isn't to harm me through this process but to make me more like Him? Do I believe His promises? Do I believe that He loves me & wants to fellowship with me? That's why He created me? I believe. Help my unbelief.
