Breaking Free

As I sit here tonight, I am thinking back over my Bible study tonight at church.  I am going through Beth Moore's Breaking Free study.  Wow, is it tough!  I've thought for awhile that I needed to do the study, but kept avoiding it because I knew it was gonna be tough.  Little did I know how much so.....


I knew that I had some strongholds that I needed to break-I didn't realized how many I had in my life.  It's quite intimidating to go through and realize what a defeated life I have been living.  Now, I've had some great moments of growth in the last few years, and I am so grateful that the Lord has given those to me, but man oh man do I have a lot of work left to do. 


As I start to realize all of these strongholds & take a painful hard look at them, I wonder how did I get to this place?  I wish that I could just give them all up at one time to God and be done with them.  Is that how it works?  I don't know.  I look back through my life at moments when God has really revealed Himself to me & really helped me over a big hurdle, and it seems like it's usually only one thing at a time that He strips away.  Maybe He knows I can't handle more than that.  Maybe I have a lot more layers than I realized of "stuff"  and strongholds that need to be removed, and it's gonna take awhile for them all to go. 


I'm finding myself crawling up in fear, as I usually tend to do when hard things come or when I know I need to change something in my life.  Oh wait, that's a stronghold, isn't it....  I'm trying so hard to believe that God is gonna help me get through this study & not quit.  But not only that, but to truly be a conqueror when I finish.  I've done studies, read books, nodded my head & said what good stuff that is-I should work on that, or that's what I need to do.  Then I stay in the same place, and I don't actually make the change.  Change is scary!!!  Even though I live in bondage & I'm miserable, it's what I know.  I hear Beth Moore say it's so much better on the other side where there is true freedom, and I have to believe that's true, because it's not exactly peachy over on this side, but it's familiar. 


This study is so good, & I know that I need to break free.  I believe in God.  But do I believe God?  Do I believe that He can change me & His intention isn't to harm me through this process but to make me more like Him?  Do I believe His promises?  Do I believe that He loves me & wants to fellowship with me?  That's why He created me?  I believe.  Help my unbelief.